About Me

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I am the working mother of two little minions, just on a new adventure in another province away from my seaside home trying desperately to solve life's many riddles and find inner peace despite all the chaos...and when all else fails there's always wine.

Friday, December 21, 2012

FROZEN FACE

This morning it was -18, more like -22 with the windchill.  When I got off the train, I briefly considered darting inside, to take the plus 15 route all the way to my office building, but thought, "hey, I'm inside all day, I could use some fresh air."  So off I went, mittens on, wool sweater buttoned right up, ear muffs secured, good to go.

I only have to walk two and half blocks outside, but this morning, once I headed on my merry way, I thought my face was going to freeze solid and I have never had my nose burn like that before.  My eyes were watering like I had just finished watching My Girl, and I was completely prepared for my nose to fall right off, which would be a shame because I've always thought I had a nose that rather suited my face. 

By the time I pulled open the door to the building and buried my face in the warmth of the festive lobby, my cheeks were tingling like they were made of pop rocks.  And yes, I know that -18 is not even cold yet; it's going to get worse, it's just that this morning I felt brutally aware of what worse could feel like, and have already determined that there is no shame in walking inside to work......there would also be less snot...my nose is running like a sieve now.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

5 THINGS THAT ANNOY ME

So I have been a very good girl lately about not focusing on the negative and not getting swallowed up in anxiety or stress or things I cannot control or the fact that I have not won the lottery yet despite the universe knowing that I clearly deserve to.

Nope, I have been very Zen and have been re-reading Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle and all those cheesy Positive Outlook quotes on Facebook, like a crack addict gettin' their daily fix.  I am ooooohhhhmmmmm. 

However, despite my new positive, "roll with the punches" attitude I still allow myself the freedom to be annoyed, to wrinkle my nose and think WTF?  Here are five things that I find particularly irritating/confusing/annoying/down right piss-off-able since my relocation to "little Texas"

1) Green Doesn't Mean Go?  I don't know what it is but every time I come upon traffic at a GREEN light, nobody is moving. Why? Is somebody up there finishing a text they thought they had time to send? Are they staring at that pretty, green light like a Poddling from the Dark Crystal getting their essence sucked out? Are they worried that the green light is a trap and that if they move through the intersection too quickly aliens will descend and teleport them away to perform medical experiments?  I am very confused? Where I come from GREEN = GO......so please GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2) Sauntering Whether it's on the sidewalk, getting on or off the train platform, walking through the mall or navigating the plus 15s, why is everybody sauntering?? I mean come on, not everybody is a power walker and most people that know me, get that I'm a bit of a hummingbird and just can't do slow at any time, however.......... sauntering? Lolly gagging along like time does not exist and everybody behind you wants to miss the next cross walk light or train, or whatever.  I really don't want to get stuck behind your winter wrapped up butt as you amble forward like a lost zombie. Quit texting while you are crossing the street or weaving from side to side like a drunken typewriter preventing me from passing you......GET OUT OF MY WAY!

3) Girls/Women Who Still Have Bare Legs Outside  Are you trying to prove that you're tough or just stupid?  I get that maybe you don't plan on being outside for all that long, and it doesn't really bother you, however when it's -20 outside, pre-wind-chill factor, and you're wearing booty shorts and Uggs you just look like a moron.  I don't care how tough you are or how "climatized" to the cold you are pretending to be, put some damn leg warmers on or pants or something, because you're making me cold just looking at you and I already feel cold enough damn it.

4) What Did the Letter U ever Do?   For some reason Alberta has forsaken the letter U and uses the American spellings of words like "color" and "honor" and "labor".  It's wrong.  I'm thinking of starting a campaign to bring back the U.  Expect to see a petition on Facebook you'll ignore shortly.

5) Everything  I'm finishing this post in a bit of a grumpy, downer mood. You know you have those days when EVERYTHING annoys you? The sound of somebody clicking their pen, someone's coat, the cat fur stuck in the carpet, the fact that some people don't "KEEP RIGHT EXCEPT TO PASS", the line at Tim Hortons, the sound of the kids' screeching, the colour of the ribbon on the Christmas tree in the lobby, the hole in my mittens, the lack of really fattening, salty, snacks in my cupboards, life, god damn, messy life. *Insert Big Sigh Here* 

Ah, life is all good, and while I am NOT a cranky pants these days and I am trying to change my Negative Nelly ways, I still have days where I want to kick a small dog (sorry, just joking of course) or throw a great big hissy fit to rival those of those pageant brats on TLC. I do find a great deal to be grateful for and to enjoy all through out the day.  (It's just that sometimes I fantasize about smashing my way through a green light, knocking people out of the way like a human dozer, kicking girls with bare legs in the shins and screaming out my truck window, "Where the F&*% is the letter U!!!!!!!!)

Don't worry I won't..........................today.



Thursday, December 13, 2012

LRT LIFE LESSONS

My daily commute is most feasible via LRT.  Parking in downtown Calgary is highway robbery - averages around $600/month.  Plus let's face it.....I'm a shitty driver and I'm an even shittier city driver. So, LRT it is and really, it's pretty slick.

Trains come every 1 to 3 minutes and depending on where I get on, I most often do get a seat and have a chance to disappear for a half hour into a good book.

I was pondering this morning however on some of the more "interesting" lessons I have learned about LRT living, and for a laugh or two, thought I'd share:

LRT Lesson #1:  Reserved parking - 'nuff said

LRT Lesson #2: Do away with common decency. Do not by any means be courteous and give your seat up for an elderly person, or go out of your way to assist or clear the path for someone in a wheel chair or pushing a stroller. This would interrupt your getting on the train by at least, I don't know, 5 seconds, and that would be tragic.

LRT Lesson #3: Do not even think of riding the train unless you have a cell phone to yak on, play games on, surf Facebook etc. Do not look at strangers or heaven forbid talk to someone. Nope it is absolutely essential that you play with your phone and if you do not have anything to do on your phone just take it out of your pocket as soon as the person next to you does so that you don't look like the only person on the planet who does not have a smart phone. If you do not have a phone, you should not ride the train.

LRT Lesson #4:  If you need to have a private or heated conversation over the phone, by all means, make that call on the train because everybody on the train, wants to hear you LOUDLY yell at your boyfriend, tell your best friend that they're an idiot, or scream at your mother who probably never should have had you in the first place.  Public, crowded spaces, like the inside of a train, are the ideal place to air your dirty laundry.

LRT Lesson #5: Apparently General Custer is a National Hero and never should have been killed because it's illegal to kill Generals..........I'm reasonably certain it's illegal to kill anybody.

LRT Lesson #6: If you can move into the train further so that the people at the next station can get on, you should not move. You must instead, stand rigidly in your place, like you are descended from the Gods themselves, and maintain a two foot radius of free space between your self and anybody else, just so you can guarantee being able to get off at your stop, which is only, like, 8 stops away, because that is totally fair and not ignorant at all.

LRT Lesson #7: If you have to sneeze or cough, don't cover your mouth, instead spew your snot and spit all over the person next to you, because people love the snot and spit of total strangers and just can't wait to get sick or become part of a real life "Contagion" epidemic.

LRT Lesson #8:  Don't bother paying that $2.75 for your ticket, instead risk getting busted by Transit Police (many of whom I've noticed are rather attractive) and instead joyously pay a $250 fine.

LRT Lesson #9: If you are listening to music and have headphones on, be sure to crank the music up loud enough so that allllllllll the people on the train can hear it, especially if it's shitty dance music or if you feel compelled to play Rhianna's "Diamonds In the Sky" (also known as "Worst Song Ever Recorded) on repeat for 20 minutes straight, that will make everybody's day.

LRT Lesson #10: If you are a hard core, lilly white ganster, you should hang out around the train station, blaring your shitty ass rap music - not over your head phones - but with your cell phone on speaker - and say things like "Yo" and "Buoyyyy" and walk with a swagger and act like you OWN the station, you are King F'ing Pin of 1st Street Station - Buooyyyy.

That's all for now - may sound like I find the train frustrating, but quite the contrary - like I said, it's pretty slick..and obviously entertaining.   

Monday, December 10, 2012

A SEA OF MOUNTAINS

Well I know I vowed/threatened/prematurely promised to keep up with the blogging even though we would no longer be on the west coast. I have therefore decided to re-title my blog "A Fish Out of Water" Chronicle of a West Coast transplant.

I hear people back "home" talking about frost on the road and it being, "cold."  Frost, ppht.  While Calgary/Cochrane does not seem to get hit with the intense winter storms that Edmonton or other parts of Alberta do, rest assured, everything here is white, frozen and about as cold as your spouse after you forgot to mention you wouldn't be coming home for the night.

The greatest surprise so far has been that I do not long for the coast nearly as much as I thought I would. Perhaps it is because between getting settled and starting new jobs, schools, etc, etc. there seems to be little time for sitting in corners and pining away for the sea.  Don't get me wrong, I miss our friends and family terribly, but as far as the landscape goes, I was somewhat concerned that I would long for the ocean and miss it every day, and every time I'd go outside I'd cry and bang my fists on my dash and scream, "Good Lord, what have we done!!!"   Yet, I have not done any of these things (thank goodness, as doing so may have scared the new neighbours).  And as it turns out......its insanely beautiful here.  In Cochrane you can see the stunning Rocky Mountains, and the Bow River that runs through town.  Everybody is wonderfuly outdoorsly, always talking about skiing and sledding and heading for the hills.  And although the commute often leaves me feeling a little bit like a zombie (as we train catching drones, and plus 15 walkers slowly amble forward in mass populous) I am loving working in the city and meeting new people, and experiencing something completely new.

It definitely helps that it is the holidays, therefore all of the cold and snow and cold makes sense - we call it "festive" instead of "F*%$ing  FREEZING!!!"

So what has this fish learned so far?

Well mainly, that like the first sea creatures and the dawn of land walkers, sometimes you have to have this will to crawl away from the sea, to let that intense will to survive and evolve, force you out of your comfort zone. If we do not move, we do not grow.  The movement can be small, like embracing a new food, or a new friend, or it can be massive, such as leaving a province and a community you love, jobs, friends, family and all the things that make you feel warm and fuzzy and safe and comfortable, and moving on to an alien planet where people only have one license plate, don't eat weekly at White Spot, have free health care, cheap fuel, a shitty hockey team (refuse to root for the Flames), and are the spawn of old man winter himself.  Whatever move you make, whatever change you make, the point is just to make it; you might be pleasantly surprised by what you find, and what you find out about yourself.

Cheers to all my West Coasters.  Alberta may have found it's way into my heart, but rest assured Texada, and the Sea are still in my bones!